Have you ever wondered what to say to a woman who has relinquished her child for adoption?  Afraid to say the wrong thing?
Here are five comments NOT to say to a Birthmother who has placed a child in an open adoption.

I. “I could never place my baby for adoption.”

Thisone used to make me cringe each time I hard it. I felt like I hadfailed at motherhood and the person making the comment has succeeded.That I must have been heartless to be able to do such an act. I feltinferior, like I need to prove something to them.
Ihave since learned I am not inferior, and I do not have to prove mymothering abilities to anyone. I believe now that comment has more todo with the person making it, than myself. Never has a woman secure inher role as a mother said that to me. Only the doubting,struggling-to-get-by mothers who feel that they must make such adeclaration.
II. “What a wonderful gift you have given to a childless couple”
Tryto see this one from the Birthmother’s point of view. Now, I love mydaughter’s adoptive parents, but by no means did I place my first-bornchild as a ‘gift’ to a childless couple. I am not that nice, not thatgiving. When I clutched my nine-month pregnant belly with tears in myeyes, I did not recite the phrase, “Just think how I am giving aspecial gift to people I do not know”.
Whenit comes down to the day when you hold your child for the first time,all thoughts of anyone else but your child and yourself fade away.There has to a higher reason for placement.
Igave Emily’s parents as a gift to my daughter. That was my plan. Thatwas my intention. Now, as an added benefit, I see her parents livesenriched by Emily’s existence. Together, we celebrate the gift ofknowing our daughter, Emily.


III. “You can have other children”
Thisspeaker means well, I am sure, but this comment can strike the veryheart of a Birthmother. Other children? You can never replace anotherchild with another! To try and do so is to dishonor the child you haveplaced for adoption and the child you use to fill the void.
Letus remember our children. Let us celebrate them. We hold a specialplace in our hearts where their names will be etched forever.
No matter how many babies you carry out of the hospital with you, you never will forget the one you did not.


IV. A lady once said to me, “That sure is ‘nice’ of her parents to let you see Emily.”
My quick reply was, “That sure was nice of me to give them my baby!”
Needlessto say she said nothing more. I try to educate people by telling themmy story, even on days I do not feel like doing so. Some, I havelearned, are not able to be very teachable on the subject.
Herattitude was that I should be grateful, as a dog is grateful to getscraps from the dinner table. I will not put myself in such a position.I refuse to be the silent shadow in the corner with my eyes downcast.
Asidefrom the fact my daughter’s parents would never treat me in such afashion, I am grateful to God. The open adoption I have with mydaughter is like a gift from Him-a gift that I get to open each time Isee her smiling face.


V. The fifth response a Birthmother does not want to hear is an awkward silence.
We want to talk about our children. We want to remember them. We know when you are avoiding it, and it hurts.
Ilove it when others ask me how Emily is doing and to ask to see thepictures from my recent visit. I enjoy swapping my labor and deliverytales with other mothers. By the way, I was in labor for forty-twohours with my Emily! Ouch!
Itis okay to talk about the children we placed. We placed them foradoption. We did not place them out of our thoughts and hearts.
Ido not wish to offend others, but to educate how a Birthmother may feelabout these five comments. Since not every Birthmother is the same,some may disagree or not be affected by the above.
Ihope by reading this article you will feel more confident andcomfortable when speaking with a Birthmother. Please do not think wewould rather not talk about our children. Silence is the first step tomany on the road to shame.

© Skye Hardwick. ©2000.2001