Post – Adoption Grief
This disenfranchised griefis when the grief is connected with a loss which cannot be openlyacknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported. In many cases ofdisenfranchised grief, the relationship is not recognised, the loss isnot recognised or the griever is not recognised. The loss of a childthrough adoption is usually a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged,which is why mothers often suffer in silence…people who haveexperienced any type of loss often feel anger, guilt, sadness,depression, hopelessness and numbness and that in cases ofdisenfranchised grief, these feelings can persist for a very longtime. The lack of recognition of their grief often results in them holding on to it more tenaciously than they might otherwise have done.
“Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome” (PADS), which is not yet a distinctillness recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. PADS canrange from a full-blown episode of severe depression that requireshospitalization or just a simple case of the blues that lasts a monthor two. The few scientific studies of PADS indicate that over half ofadoptive mothers experience it. For example, in 1999 Harriet McCarthy,manager of the Eastern European Adoption Coalition Parent Education andPreparedness, surveyed 165 mothers who had adopted children fromEastern Europe and found that 65% reported post-adoption depression.Other researchers have determined that you are more likely toexperience PADS if you adopt from overseas or if your child has specialneeds.”
That’s a disclaimer I would of like on the papers I signed! Geez. I don’t know what to think of this. My first thought wasn’t so nice, it was “Well hell (excuse me) don’t sit around moaning about it, give em backto us! We don’t want them with a mom that doesn’t ‘feel’ like a mom oris having trouble dealing with social aspects of adoption” Don’t spend time worring just bring em back please!” (My worstnightmare is thinking about her living in a place where she becomes thefamily’s Cinderella. It’s just, that I am sure ONE family of thelast 30 years, has regretted the decision to adopt? Ya know like a young couple who thought they were ready, but realized they have no clue…. Yet I have never heard of anyone ‘giving them back’ and I assume that would look so horrible on their part, that no one ever does. I’msaying 1 in a million families” The child in that family is my worstcase scenario. In the last moments on our adoption day I said (maybe twice) “Now promise meif you don’t like her, that you will give her back” lol (of course they were stunned and I could tell already were in love with her-had been for a long time) I had the best family for her ever, seriously…she is ’set-up’ for life. So after myinitial shock and defensiveness, I began to understand how adoptive momsmight feel this depression too and it is natural for any woman adjusting to a new child and new experiences. They wonder why women are moredepressed than men (the recent study everyone covered last week) Theysaid that woman have every opportunity now, excel in theworkplace and still aren’t happy? I say duh, the majority ofthem are mothers! Men don’thave the inate biological response to protect their child more than anything (at least I think, don’t they want to provide shelter or something? lol I will get my biology book out that I couldn’t sell back, and check myself here.) As society gets more dangerous, of course women will be affected bythat. Depressed or not, 30 more % of men lost jobs this year than women..so something women are doing is also keeping their jobssafe! (so off topic again) I was just going to put one sentence before thedocuments here….and now I also add a part of one study. This is a biased viewfrom a woman that doesn’t like, more HATES adoption…so don’t take thecontext to be something I must believe as well. Adoption was verydifferent 30 years ago. This is in relation to post- adoption support:
Post-adoption and post-adoption “counseling” Themother may have been told the loss of her child will affect her onlybriefly around the time of her child’s birthday. She may have beenadvised that “open” adoption makes it all better. Openness is supposedto help the child, because he is not completely cut off from hisorigins. With an “open” adoption the mother may have some visitation orpromises of pictures or letters from the people who adopted. But withan “open” adoption, the mother may be taken by surprise by theintensity of the pain and anguish as time goes by and the adopters -the people whoprofited from her suffering – grow increasingly distantor cut her off completely. She may find it heartbreaking to think ofthe little things – like brushing teeth or saying prayers – that shecannot share with her child. Many mothers are unaware of their child’sthoughts and feelings about themselves and this unnatural custodyarrangement. This is certainly the case when the mother may simply hasno contact with her child. But when there is contact, it may be thatthe child does not want to make his mother – either one of them – feelbad by opening up to them with his true feelings. If her son ordaughter does comes to her for help in a situation where abuse doesoccur, the mother – unable to do anything about it – may be completelytraumatized. Some mothers are “awake” from the start, aware theirchild may not be “better off” adopted, but forced by economiccircumstances to surrender. Other moms may discover much later thattheir child was badly affected by the traumatic separation from hismother at birth and by being raised in an environment devoid of anytrue family members. From a mother’s perspective, it is horrifying todiscover her child felt “unwanted” by her. Post-adoption counseling Books on “grieving a pet” are plentiful – yet there are almost no bookson grieving the loss of one’s son, daughter or grandchild to adoption.Few counselors in North America are knowledgeable of the intensedelayed suffering “disenfranchised grief” a mother may experience evenlong after losing her child to adoption
. This makes it difficult to find a good counselor.In addition, counselors may have attended “Infant Adoption AwarenessTraining” in which some attendees have been told that mothers who haveproblems following the loss of their child to adoption are “few innumber and mentally ill”. One can only wonder whether people who aregrieving a death or divorce are also too “mentally ill” to be worthy ofcompassionate counseling. Note: There is a large market for newbornbabies for adoption in America. Adoption “counselors” in North Americalike to refer to expectant parents as “birthparents” or “birthmothers”, while calling the unrelated person hoping to adopt a “parent”.The objective of this so-called “respectful adoption language” is tomake the acquisition of healthy newborn babies by infertile people orgay people seem “normal”. The euphemism “adoption” is used to deflectattention from the reality – this is a transfer of human babies fromloving (if naive or pressured) relatives to customers. The misleading,disrespectful terms “birthmother”, “birthfather” and “birthparents” are used on this website for search engine purposes only. The terms “mother”, “father”, “single parent”, ” family member” and “natural mother” are accurate, respectful, and nonderogatory terms.
“Why Birthmother Means Breeder” by Diane Turski
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